What next?
Sometimes we reach a cross roads in life, when everything feels uncertain. That’s where I am right now. Like many people, my identity has always revolved around what I am to other people. Whether it’s the friend that could make you laugh (or cringe), the sweet romantic husband, not afraid to show his affection or…
Keep readingWeight loss surgery on the NHS
Today I had my 4 in 1 assessment for bariatric (weight loss) surgery with the NHS. In order to qualify for weight loss surgery on the NHS, you have to have a BMI over 35, although it can be lower if you have other comorbidities. However, the exact requirements vary from NHS Trust to NHS…
Keep readingAn epidemic of loneliness
Recently I wrote about my own experiences of loneliness as a result of divorce. All of us at some stage in life will experience this feeling of isolation and loneliness. It doesn’t matter who you are or even how big your social circle is. You can feel lonely when surrounded by people. It’s the connection…
Keep readingThe loneliness of divorce
I’m sat in my house, suffering from a heavy dose of man flu, surrounded by soft fluffy cushions, and the modern comforts of technology but there’s nobody to share it with. All I can hear is the beeping of a microwave as it’s finished heating my soup for one and the echo’s of my own…
Keep readingWhat the pub quiz means to me
I started competing in a pub quiz at the King George pub in Hale on a Sunday evening in 2022. It started as a social event with fellow Andys Man Club users. The pub was just a short walk from where our meetings were held, and it gave me something positive to focus on. I…
Keep readingA man called Otto
Sometimes when I’m struggling to sleep at night, I’ll put in a film. I don’t watch a lot of TV these days, the endless choice overwhelms my capacity to choose and it brings me very little joy these days. TV used to be a social event. A show you’d all be talking about at school…
Keep reading2023: The worst year of my life
I’ve had some good years and bad years, just like anyone else but 2023 is going to stand out as my annus horribilis, and worst still, it taints the previous years too including the good times. It’s 31st December, 2022. 2022 was another difficult year, still trying to re-find myself after the covid pandemic and…
Keep readingThe power of a smile
I was feeling blueAt my lowest ebbI couldn’t see it throughTrapped in a spiders web Everything seemed so hopelessHow could I ever escapeCould feel it comingOver the past, I’d rake But then she came upJust a simple smileI could see doors openI could get past this trial Now I am flying highAnd she will never…
Keep readingThe difference a few months can make
So, it’s been a while since I last updated this blog, 4 months in fact. A lot has changed. Circumstances haven’t changed, just like for everyone else, life is still hard and full of challenges and obstacles but now instead of over thinking and catastrophising all the time, I’ve completely changed my thought pattern back…
Keep readingWorking on me?
I’ve been told I need to “work on me”, it’s one of those nebulous phrases counsellors use that seems very vague, a bit like a horoscope that can be bent to mean anything those on the receiving end wish to interpret it to mean. It goes along with the “you need to put yourself first…
Keep readingMental health crisis
I’m going through the worst mental health crisis of my life right now, and I’ve realised I can’t do this by myself. It’s not one cause, it’s been the perfect storm. It started with COVID flipping my career upside down. Back in 2018 life was good. I was thriving in my job, on a good…
Keep readingWhy I wanted to take my life today
The photo above is from my wife’s 40th surprise birthday party. It was in a venue very close to our hearts as in August 2011 it was the venue for our Wedding reception. Everything was going well back then. I was thriving in my job as a software engineer and finally making good money, good…
Keep readingFour Weeks
Four weeks of wonderFour weeks of joyIs she a girl?Or is he a boy? Four weeks of learningAbout all the stagesOur little beanGrowing in phases The pictures we’d takeThe things that we’d doWould he or she grow upTo be like me or you The candles on cakesThe scrapes on the kneesThe school trips, and days…
Keep readingMale sexual dysfunction
There aren’t a lot of subjects that make men feel more uncomfortable than talking about male sexual dysfunction, but I have no filter and I don’t think there should be taboo subjects we don’t talk about, so I’m going to talk about it anyway, including some of my own experiences. Pressure to perform When it…
Keep readingFeelings 65 days on
It has been 65 days since I found out my wife has been unfaithful and 65 days since she last engaged with him sexually. To say it has been traumatic is an understatement. I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, few of them positive. I’m finally at the point now where the most intense pain…
Keep readingMen and the pressure to provide
Everybody feels pressures to conform to certain expectations placed upon them. It could be the pressure to find someone to love and settle down with if you’re single, the pressure to find a career you enjoy, to get good grades at school if your a child, to have children, or to be the perfect mother…
Keep readingThe female accountability gap
Before I start, I realise that this subject is likely to be controversial and that women reading this will instantly become defensive and talk about the fact that men are irresponsible and unaccountable for their actions and to that I say I agree with you completely. I don’t believe that taking accountability is a gendered…
Keep readingI can do it. I will do it. I am doing it
Back in January 2022, in a state of desperation I started a VLCD to attempt to lose some weight. In fact, that was the starting point for this blog. By the end of February I had lost 2 stone 4 pounds but couldn’t really keep it going, I burnt out. It’s very difficult to lose…
Keep readingBack to frustration and rejection
This morning was painful again. After going away to Swansea for a few days, yesterday we headed back and to be honest I couldn’t wait to get home. Sunday night, despite having a dry mouth and sore tongue, I went down on Mandy. Couldn’t smell or taste but I still enjoyed the way her body…
Keep readingPhysical reactions to adultery
It has been interesting to observe the different physical responses between my wife and I since I completely exposed her adultery. My initial reaction was fuelled by cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. I felt very anxious and overwhelmed as all the details came to light. Then followed a big spike in testosterone fuelling anger and…
Keep readingFloating bodies starting to resurface
One of the stages of recovering from an affair is apparently bodies resurfacing. These are deep seated relationship issues that couples have avoided discussing due to fear suddenly resurfacing. That normally happens later on, but for us, I think the first body has started to emerge, and it’s the oldest issue in our relationship, so…
Keep readingI married a child with tits
I’ve been doing a lot of analysis and soul searching since I found out about my wife’s affair and the more I think about her behaviour, the less enamoured I am with her as a person. It’s not just the affair itself, it’s the behaviour since I caught her out and what that tells me…
Keep readingMarriage and desire
This morning was fairly typical of an issue that has reared its head a lot in the past in our marriage. Last night I freaked out a bit because we’re staying in a hotel chain very similar to the one where my wife had been having an affair for six months. It put images into…
Keep readingWhat do I actually want
In the book How can I ever trust you again, the author talks about a betrayal in terms of an opportunity. He means it in terms of ending up with a stronger relationship but I’m starting to wonder whether I should try to reframe the prospect of walking away from being a “lose everything” situation…
Keep readingA tough counselling session
Today my wife and I had our forth relationship counselling session. The previous three were a bit different. In the first we discussed the background to the current situation, particularly focusing on the miscarriage and it felt like a powerful resease of emotion. In the second it was more about my wife’s lying and the…
Keep readingBitter-Sweet Valentine’s Day
After recent events, Valentine’s Day this year is going to be quite uncomfortable compared with previous years as it’s now forever tainted by my wife’s infidelity. Last year we took advantage of some vouchers our family had kindly bought us for Christmas previously to book a nights stay in a hotel in Cornwall. Cornwall is…
Keep readingThe story of “How to disappear completely”
Sometimes music is like an IV line direct to the blood stream and one of the bands that have that effect on me are Radiohead. There’s something beautiful about Thom Yorke’s pained falsetto voice, perhaps from his unconventional look with his drooping left eye and subsequent experiences. My top three favourite Radiohead songs, in reverse…
Keep readingWhat Happened at the weekend (4th February)
On Friday 3rd February, we had our counselling session and once again, I thought it went well. It didn’t go the way I thought it would, in the first session we talked a lot about the miscarriage and it felt very therapeutic, although the weekend after that was the disaster where I actually spoke to…
Keep readingRecovery
Brick by brickPiece by piecePick up the glassFrom round your feet Drops from aboveWell let it rainFor nothing goodComes without strain I see your faceI feel your breathI take your handUpto my chest From the dust comes the fresh airFrom the darkness comes the lightFrom the embers come the fireThat burns right through the night…
Keep readingHurt to Hope
Have you ever thought about why we have pain? It’s such an unpleasant experience and it’s our body doing it to itself but pain serves a vital purpose. It’s the body’s way of protecting us from further damage and to warn us when something is wrong and action is required. Hurt is kind of the…
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